Two lines


My friend, my heart hurts for you today.  I know the dark place you are in right now.  I have been there.  I realize it is hard to believe that I was there, looking from where you are.  You see my face smiling on my Facebook page, and my pictures of my beautiful family with two healthy, adorable kids.  You probably have even heard me complain about those two kids, my perceived loss of freedom, the day-to -day challenges of parenting and motherhood.   I vowed to never forget what that dark place was like, and I haven’t.  I see you.

I know what it is like to lose something so precious to you, something that was literally a part of you.  It is a unique sort of grief.  When you lose a parent, a grandparent, a friend, a son or daughter, there are rituals.  Family and friends gather round, and your pain is acknowledged and shared by others.  Memories are shared, casseroles are delivered.  There are hugs and tears and funerals and, much of the time, closure.  People expect you to hurt, and they usually give you the space to do so.

But when you lose your pregnancy, your unborn baby, this child you longed for and loved from the moment the one pink line turned into two, it’s different.  You feel ashamed.  You feel like a failure, like your body couldn’t do this thing it was supposed to do.  You were barely a mother, and you already failed. You get the message from the people around you that you’re not allowed to grieve, or at least, not for very long.

“There will be others…”

“Maybe it was for the best…”

“Sometimes that is nature’s way…”

“You can try again….”

And while you know that all these things are said with good intentions, it all makes you feel worse.

So right here, right now, I am going to tell you what I really needed to hear when I was in the throes of infertility and pregnancy loss, which for us lasted years.  I wish I knew you better so I could tell you in person, and just sit beside you while you cry, if that is what you need.

This hurts, so much.  It is not what you expected, is it?  You spent a lot of time and effort when you were younger trying not to get pregnant, or worrying that you would get pregnant at the wrong time.  You wonder if maybe you missed your window of opportunity.  That is a valid fear.  You can feel that, just don’t blame yourself, because you didn’t know it would be so difficult.  How could you?

You might feel angry at your husband.  Sometimes he is the easiest person to be angry at, because he is so close.  He doesn’t know what to do either.  It is in his nature to be strong for you, to try to fix things that are broken.  He sees that you are broken, and he feels helpless.  He is hurting too, in his own way.  I know it’s hard to see that sometimes.

I know you feel alone.  Everywhere you look there are pregnant bellies and strollers.  There seems to be even more now than ever before, for some reason.  Everyone seems to be able to achieve this developmental milestone in their life, and you feel stuck in a monthly cycle of hope and despair, hope and despair, and repeat.  You may even be running out of friends to hang out with, because they all have babies now.  Listen, it is ok if you don’t go to the baby showers.  Your true friends will understand.  Send a gift card.  Do not, under any circumstances, go shopping at the baby store.  Be gentle with yourself about this, trust me.

You are going to flip-flop between wanting to be authentic with people about the pain you are experiencing, and wanting to keep everything to yourself so you don’t have to hear any more platitudes.  You will go back and forth, depending on how raw everything feels on a particular day.  Just show up as you are.  That is the best you can do right now.  Try not to be too worried about handling your pain gracefully or counting your blessings.  Do not bother to engage in any mind-game that begins with the phrases, “it could be worse…”, or “at least you don’t…..”.

Above all, I want you to know that your grief is real.  Your loss is real.  I see that and acknowledge that.  You lost something precious to you, and I am so sorry for your loss.  Lots of people don’t understand it, because losing an unborn baby, losing a pregnancy, is not so tangible for the people around you.  It makes people uncomfortable, that you would grieve so hard and long and deep over something they couldn’t even see.  They don’t understand that the grief goes on and on, like a death you have to keep dying every single month.  And at the same time you grieve the loss of that picture you have in your head of how you thought it would be.

It is brutal, it hurts, and it is completely unfair.  No one can say anything to make it ok, least of all me.  All I can tell you is, you’re not alone in your dark place.




The Starfish Story

“Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied, “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,

“It made a difference for that one.” 

― adapted from the original story by Loren Eiseley

We have been home from Haiti for a week now.  Our team has not stopped thinking about all the little “starfish” that we met on our trip.  Here are some of their sweet faces:


Our team has been thinking, brainstorming, and starting to make some plans for these little ones about how we can create a model of care to provide some basic health screening, monitoring of growth and development, preventive health care, and treatment of simple health problems.  You may recall that most of the children in the orphanages sponsored by Heartline are not able to be adopted, so they potentially will be in their current situation until they age out.  We see this as a huge opportunity to provide them with some basic preventative health care.  We approach this humbly, knowing that our knowledge of of how things “work” in Haiti is limited by our inexperience.  I am so grateful for all the smart, passionate women on our team who share this goal with me.

I will share more about how we hope to implement this plan once our team irons out the details a little more.  For now, keep praying for us to have wisdom in our planning!

4/14/16-Last full day

We had a more laid-back day today.  After breakfast we piled into the truck and headed out of PAP into the mountains to the Baptist Haiti Mission.  The ride up the narrow, bumpy mountain road was quite possibly the most terrifying ride ever, second only to the time my dad tried to drive up a dirt mountain road in Hawaii when we were kids that was so narrow he had to put the car in reverse in order to get back down.  But, I digress.  It was a good 10 degrees cooler at the top, which was a refreshing change after the stifling heat and humidity we had grown accustomed to this week.  Check out the view:

The Baptist Haiti Mission has been in existence since the 1940’s, started by the Turnbull family.  As we sat down in the small cafe to eat lunch, an elderly man with a walker approached our group.  Turns out, it was Wally Turnbull, one of the founders!  What are the chances?  It takes forever to get your food after ordering, but Wally kept us entertained with stories about the history of the BHM.  When the Turnbulls first arrived in the late 1940’s, the people living in the mountain villages were starving. The terrain was rocky and they had no way to grow food or support their families.  Often, the parents in the family would starve to death making sure that their children got what little food was available.  Wally and his father taught them terrace gardening, which is now a way of life up on the mountain.  They taught them to compost their trash to feed their gardens, instead of burning it.  The people can now grow their own food and feed themselves.  The school that was started at the BHM initially had 22 students, and has now grown to serve 68,000 students!


The hospital at the BHM

There is a hospital on the site, which we had an opportunity to walk through.  I felt extremely uncomfortable walking through the hospital, like I was intruding.  These were real people with real issues, and here I was taking a tour like I was visiting a zoo.  I wish I could have spoken the language so I could have made more of a connection with some of the people, rather than just saying hello and nodding at them sympathetically.  That said, I am so glad I was able to see this hospital.  Even just thinking about it, writing about it, my eyes well up.  There was a huge line to get in, people just sitting and waiting in the hallway.  It is common in Haiti to wait in line for days to be seen at the hospital, and even after getting to the front of the line, people sometimes get turned away if there is no room.  There were 3 main rooms, plus an operating room.  One room for the women, one for the men, and one for the children.  Within each room, the beds are lined up in rows, much like the one-room hospital wards of the distant past.  The stench is overwhelming.  When we stepped into the room with the children, I had to fight back tears.  I can’t imagine one of my kids receiving care in a place such as this.  My heart went out to these kids, and also the mothers keeping watch at their bedside.  Though I am shocked by the conditions at this hospital, I know the staff there must be doing the best they can with limited resources.  The only source of income for this hospital is from the fee-for-service that is charged to those who receive care.

On a less serious note, we got to do some shopping later in the afternoon!  We found a few treasures at the street markets outside the Mission, and then hopped in the truck for our ride toward death descent down the mountain.  We stopped at the coolest place, called Rebuild Globally.  There is an awesome store there called Deux Mains that makes flip flops from recycled tires.  The flip flops are made right on site.   In addition to recycling tires, the business provides well-paying jobs for Haitians.

Outside Rebuild Globally


A team of all women in a shoe store…we were there a while!!

The factory employs 20 full-time and 5 part-time employees.  Minimum wage in Haiti is around $5 per day.  The factory pays its workers 150-200% minimum wage, which has allowed every one of its employees to be able to afford to live in a permanent structure rather than a tent, and send their children to school.  It was so cool to get to see how they make their shoes.  The finished product is adorable, comfortable, stylish, and I may or may not have spent way too much money there!  Tell my husband when the bill comes that it was for a good cause!  Anyhow, you don’t have to go to Haiti to purchase their products.  They are available online here.  All of the merchandise is still made in Haiti but will ship from their U.S. warehouse in Miami.  Deux Mains also makes black closed-toe shoes for orphans in Haiti, which is a requirement for attending school.  Here are some pictures of the shoes being made:

In the evening, after dinner, our team had a chance to debrief and brainstorm about what’s next.  I am not sure at this point what will come out of this trip for each of us, or for us as a team.  There were some excellent ideas thrown out about different ways we could support the orphanages and possibly make some trips back to do some more health promotion and medically supportive interventions with them.  It is exciting to think about.  I am trying not to get to ahead of myself, and for now just stay open, be quiet, and listen.

4/13/16-Maternity center and FREM orphanage

Today was the day I had been looking forward to, the day we finally got to go see the maternity center.  We had the privilege of meeting Beth McHoul, the founder of Heartline and its maternity center.  We ate breakfast with her and listened as she imparted her wisdom.  She and her husband John have been serving and ministering in Haiti for 27 years!  Their ministry has grown from a small crèche, which cared for Haitian orphans awaiting adoption, to a whole host of ministries aimed at supporting and strengthening Haitian families.

The maternity center serves about 50 pregnant mothers at a time.  As mothers get further along in their pregnancy and deliver, the vacant spot is filled by a pregnant mother in the early stages of pregnancy.  Women are chosen for the program based on risk factors.  It is most common for the very young teens and the older mothers to die in childbirth, so these women are prioritized for the program.  Women come to the maternity center monthly at first for prenatal care, then more frequently toward the end of their pregnancy.  At each visit they have their vital signs checked, and then they are given a nutritious meal to eat.  They have a medical consultation with one of the midwives, and they are taught how to care for themselves during their pregnancy.  Beth told us that preeclampsia is the number one pregnancy complication that they see, made worse by the fact that many Haitian women also have chronic high blood pressure as well.  The maternity center is currently expanding their space, which will give them more room, particularly in their postpartum area.   There are also long term plans to build another maternity center on the OK Ranch property.


Beth’s exam room at the maternity center



The delivery room at the maternity center.


Beautiful painting at the maternity center. It says, “Strong women–may we know them, may we raise them, may we be them.”


After delivery, the women stay at the maternity center for several weeks, learning to breastfeed and bonding with their baby.  Breastfeeding is counter-cultural here, so women often require an immense amount of support.  They are encouraged to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months, and then continue breastfeeding for “1000 days”.  Women transition to the postpartum program after birth, where they come for weekly visits for 6 months to monitor their infant’s growth and development, and receive support for breastfeeding, parenting, and postpartum health needs.   The maternity center also offers family planning services one day per week.  Birth control is available and child spacing is encouraged.

I love that one of the goals of the maternity center is to prevent orphans.  Being in Haiti this week and visiting the orphanages has been eye-opening and heartbreaking.  I love that this program addresses that issue from the ground up, so to speak.

After looking around, we got to stock the shelves of the maternity center.  Look at all of the donations our team was able to bring!


We stocked up all the shelves!


Our team


I felt so excited stocking all those shelves up, and so thankful for all of you.  I am still in awe of how much all of you donated!

In the afternoon we visited an orphanage called FREM.  When we walked in the gates, the children immediately came to greet us.  All of them wanted to be picked up and held.  I found myself wishing, as I often do at home, that I had more than two arms!  These little ones captured my heart.  The conditions of this orphanage were much worse than the previous one we had visited.  The couple who ran the orphanage was caring and showed obvious concern for the children.  However, there were about 25 kids with only 3 adults.  They lacked resources.  None of the children had diapers.  They either wore no pants or their clothes were soaked through with urine.  The toddlers and preschoolers appeared the least healthy of the bunch.  The older kids and the one baby looked pretty vital.
I had the privilege of getting to use some of my medical skills while we were there, along with Kelly.  There were a few children that had rashes that the house parents were worried about.  One had ringworm on his scalp, which can be easily treated.  The other had eczema, and we advised the house mom about how to take care of both of those issues.  One little guy I had been told about prior to arrival. His growth has been really poor and he seems to fall ill often.  I was able to give my input about him so that some of his issues could be better addressed by one of the local doctors at the hospital.  All of the kids looked anemic, and several had pica.   Our team had a great conversation later about how we can support the health needs of the children at FREM in the long-term.  I am really excited to spend some time thinking, praying, and brainstorming about that.

I must be good to snuggle….



Fast asleep in my arms


The little ones just wanted to be held and loved.  That wasn’t hard for us!  One little guy crawled up in my lap.  I thought he wanted to play and started doing some clapping games with him.  He just looked at me.  Then he put his head down on my chest and fell asleep in 2 minutes flat.  He had his arms around me the whole time.   I felt so humbled that he would trust me, a total stranger, to lay his head on while he slept.  It was holy work.  Lauren, who is 14, was an instant hit with the older girls.  The girls noticed that Lauren’s nail polish was chipping, and pulled out the nail polish to give her a mani-pedi.  Once her nails were painted, one of the girls got some water and washed Lauren’s feet.  Another holy moment.


Lauen with the older girls


This guy was my little shadow the whole time we were there


Little one with cerebral palsy


Flashing the gang signs


I was able to give each of the girls a new dress from the supply my friend Mary gave me.  The girls loved them.  The boys stood there and looked really sad that they did not receive a dress.  It was so sad.  We left some candy, hot wheels cars, chalk, and bubbles for later.

Saying goodbye was hard.  Heartline helps to support FREM and 5 other Haitian orphanages though donations to the Heartline Foundation, and by providing food through Feed the Hunger.  I can’t stop thinking about those little ones.

When I signed up to go to Haiti, I initially thought that I would get to do some work with the maternity center, and I had a real burden to help them.  I love their mission and their way of doing things, and I still do after seeing it in action.  But, I was surprised at how being at the orphanages spoke to me and pulled on my heart.  I knew  we were going to be visiting orphanages, but I had no idea that I would connect so strongly with that experience.

4/12/16-Burn clinic, sports ministry, and a visit with the pantless fisherman

Another very full day here in Haiti!  After breakfast today, we headed out in the big truck just north of Port-Au-Prince, to the village of Titanyen.  We visited Global Outreach, which is a 66-acre compound with a variety of ministries.  They have been able to drill almost 350 wells in the surrounding area since starting their ministry in 1993.  In addition, they offer youth programs, a camp, and a burn clinic, among other things.

While there, we had the opportunity to visit Sheryl, who is the RN who runs the burn clinic.  Burns are unfortunately very common in Haiti.  Few people have electricity, so it is very common for people to have an open flame or fire for cooking, as a light source, or for burning trash.  Sheryl also sees many leg burns from motorcycles, since heat guards are not required over mufflers in Haiti.  We were amazed to learn the extent of what she does to care for these people, with limited resources.  In North America, burn treatments are usually performed after a generous dose of narcotics to treat pain, since debriding and treating burns is so incredibly painful.  As you can imagine, it is difficult in Haiti to obtain morphine or other narcotics for such purposes, so many patients are under-medicated for their treatments.


The well-stocked pharmacy at the burn clinic


The soaking tubs for the burn patients


Sheryl showing us one of the treatment rooms

We spent the afternoon helping with a very unique ministry called Sport Disciple.  This is a way of reaching out to the kids in the area through soccer!  The program currently serves about 800 children and so far has had an enormous impact on the surrounding community.  The children are split into soccer teams based on age and gender.  Each time they attend practice or game (one practice and one game per week), they are fed a nutritious meal upon arrival.  Then they play soccer, learning all of the great things that sports teaches like character, teamwork, perseverance, friendship, and not getting hit in the face with a ball (or maybe that was just what I learned?).  After they play, they sit to hear a short bible story or gospel message and pray before heading home. Their cleats and uniforms are provided.  Each team also adopts an elderly person in their community, and once per month they go with their coach to perform chores, cooking, and other acts of community service for them.  The program is lead by a missionary couple but staffed and coached by Hatians, which provides jobs and income for them.


Serving up food



Washing dishes

Our role at Sport Discipile was to help with serving food and washing dishes.  It was a very organized affair.  The kids ate in shifts.  The first team would line up to receive their food.  As they finished eating, the dishes would get passed back to us for washing.  The clean dishes were then given to the servers to dish up for the next team.  We fed and cleaned up after 200 kids!  Then we got to “play soccer” with the smallest group of girls (about 5-6 years old).  And by “play soccer”, I mean we got hugged and climbed on in excess, and gave a ridiculous number of piggy-back rides.  The girls were hungry for affection and so full of love.


One of the highlights of our day was meeting a fisherman named Tege (pronounced Tee-gay).  Tege has the good fortune of living right on the white sandy beach. Our leader, Frank, has become friends with Tege over the last few years, and since he is a fun person to visit, we had the chance to drop in.  As we headed out to see him, Frank said, “Let’s go see Tege….hopefully he’ll be wearing pants today!”  Apparently if you are a fisherman in Haiti, pants are optional!


Tege’s strong boys


Tege with his starfish


Thankfully, Tege was fully clothed today!  He was a gracious host.  He took us out for a ride in his boat, which he made himself by hand.  His two sons did the rowing.  They were super strong and lean.  We watched as Tege dove off the side of the boat to catch 2 huge red starfish.  He was so proud!  We then enjoyed visiting with his family after our boat ride.


Tege’s hand-made boat

What I would say so far about my trip overall is that it has been eye-opening, life-changing, humbling, and exciting.  I have been battling with some disappointment over not getting to do as much medical or nursing activities as I had originally hoped.  However, the things that we have had the opportunity to be involved in have been awesome, and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss them!